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As a hard working motivational speaker and parent, I frequently find myself needing to squeeze work into moments when I’m also keeping an eye on my boy. The other day found me hanging out in the play place of Chic-Fil-A – the amusement park for those without any dead presidents -  endeavoring to summon the restraint to not consume every one of my boy’s chicken nuggets, observing my son slip through the mysterious slime on the slide, and attempting once more to discover that odor.  I’m always surprised at how much I learn from these outings. This excursion brought back some long forgotten lessons on forgiveness.

This kid climbs up to the top and begins crying, like eighty percent of the young children who ascend to the top of the play place and discover they do not have the guts to come back down. And I wish with all my strength that it is not my boy, because I noted the weight rating of the apparatus when I walked in. And in my mind I see good looking firemen fighting to yank my bloated keister free from the plastic pipes. Just for the record – judging from the firemen in my family – I don’t think they can all measure up as hunky..

This child had the “I’m hurt” scream that makes every mother’s heart stop for an instant – where even the most unspiritual mom will pray that her baby is okay. Fortunately, we all soon recognized that the cry didn’t have the shrillness that would elevate the hurt to the status of “major injury”. We eventually worked out who the weeping kid belonged to, and that there was no chance her mommy could fit her rear through the tubing.

We sent one kid up to get her. He disappeared into the plastic tubing black hole. We enlisted another kid and sent him up, but he canceled the mission midway through after getting sidetracked by a petrified mcnugget. Since the broad shouldered boys had let us down, we went into a 70′s feminist chant that ginned up one of the girls to go up and get the wayward one. The girl goes instantly to the top of the plastic labyrinth and guides the “injured” child to safety. The sobbing rescuee sprints to her mother to show her the boo-boo that no one else is able to see. Unfortunately our tale does not end there.  Getting one look at the little girl’s mother, it was apparent that she was not going to let this go. I could see that mother questioning her kid like she was a suspect in a murder investigation. I could see her mouthing the words “Who was it?” while her eyes glared from kid to kid – her own kid having already forgotten the incident entirely. I knew this mother’s look. This mother was prepared to blame somebody for harming her child. Somebody was going to “take a fall.” And this sort of look never ends well.

I have excellent eavesdropping skills, so I was able to deduce that her daughter hadn’t fingered a culprit, so the mother took it upon herself to uncover the responsible party. Notwithstanding having no credible proof, the mother fell upon the usual suspect – the dirty child with the inattentive mother.  Poor little grubby kid with no shoes – don’t they always get blamed first. I spent the rest of our time in the playplace watching that woman give evil looks to the kid and his mother while her child frolicked happily on the slide. (Do people still frolick?)

My initial thought was to tell that mother to let it go, give it a rest. Her child was fine, and now happily playing. No harm, no foul. Was it honestly helpful to pin the guilt on someone? Did she absolutely need her pound of flesh? Didn’t she have some forgiveness in her heart? That’s when I realized how often I had fallen into the same behavior. Those instances when my first thought was to find somebody to blame..

I stub my toe and blame my spouse despite the fact he isn’t even home. Something gets lost and the first thing out of my mouth is “Who took it!” Only to discover, more times than not, that no one took it. I had just forgotten where I left it.  Tree falls and we can’t wait to blame the owner of the tree. A robber breaks into your home and stumbles down your stairs, and he blames you. It struck me, hanging out in that playplace, that we live in a society fixated on placing blame, and really awful at forgiving.

I remember, as a kid, altercations on the school playground being addressed quickly by the teachers and school principal. This day and age a full investigation must be started over every single incident, resulting in congressional hearings. This also extends to our churches and neighborhood groups. Who hasn’t heard of a church falling apart over a minor issue and hurt feelings? We are all swift to pull the trigger on blame, and  slow to forgive. Is payback actually that important?

In the event you haven’t noticed, people make mistakes – a lot. We’re human, it’s part of our DNA to screw up. I wouldn’t be a motivational speaker if everybody were perfect! Things happen, and quite often they aren’t anybody’s fault. We need to stop looking to make it somebody’s fault. Yes, we’re accountable for our decisions and our actions. Yes, we are accountable for our goof ups and should own up to them and take responsibility. But we’re also accountable to forgive – not to judge – but to forgive – and then let it go. Stop searching for someone to pay. Quit letting yourself be consumed with bitterness and a yearning for retribution. Don’t blame the car maker considering the driver was responsible. You don’t owe me due to the fact your coffee was hot and you didn’t warn me. If you come to my home and the meal I cooked you was too hot, where in heck do you get off imagining I should have to ante up? And often we hold grudges in cases of offenses that have no facts to back them up – we find the suspects guilty based on gossip.

But we can’t let this stuff go or it will happen again, some say. We can’t let criminals get off easy – we can’t let another car be sold with poor breaks.  I agree, sometimes we have to make sure that it doesn’t happen again. This falls into making somebody accountable for their actions. This has little related to forgiveness. Individuals can and should answer for the choices they make in life. I’m suggesting to you they must be forgiven. Forgiveness will never mean you like what they did or approve of their actions. It only means that you’ll forgive them for having made the mistake.

So far, I’ve been talking about forgiveness for actual mistakes. Some of you are coping with hurts that were purposefully given with hateful intentions. Forgiveness, in these situations, requires more than what I have been speaking about. This is a different circumstance. My interest is on  finding forgiveness in your heart for the  “true mistakes”.

So how do we do it? How do we live out the lost art of forgiveness?

Were you directly caught up in the “incident”? Otherwise, stay out of it.

Do not dump each perceived offense in the face of the “perpetrator”. Learn to forgive these people in your soul and move ahead. Use a bit of discernment and choose what is truly vital.

Be turtle-like to judge. The majority of of the time we are simply not competent for the position.

Don’t give out justice. Again, it’s beyond your paygrade.

Let gossip end with you. It’s easy. Don’t answer the email. Don’t pass it on. Don’t get on the phone and spread the news. Don’t bring it up in passing. This is tough. Good gossip is trickier to hold in than a poot. But do it nevertheless.

If you are specifically engaged in the incident, work directly with the people involved and manage the predicament like an adult.

Not everyone is going to live up to your specifications. Overlook it.

See life from their viewpoint.

The world is brimming with evil people and foolish people and people who are rude. Get over it.

You cannot control other individuals – just yourself. Forgiveness is never as much for them as it is for you. Lugging around bitterness only harms you – psychologically and physically.

There’s not necessarily someone or somebody to blame in every predicament. Accidents happen. Don’t fault the bike company because you were drinking when you rode the bike.

Let love always be your motivation. I know, it seems like a seventies slogan, but it’s a fact. Continually question your motives. Consider, “Is my purpose to show love to her?”  If your objective is to have the final word, show her that’s she’s wrong, let someone else know about it, get others mad at her too – then possibilities are good that your objective is not caring. Anytime I’m about to do or say something that my gut is telling me is wrong, I will ask myself, “Are you doing this out of love?” And I generally know the answer.

These aren’t easy things to do. You can’t just say you are going to forgive people. You have to continually work at it. But it’s worth it. It makes the planet a better place. And besides, eventually, the mistake will be yours, and it will be you seeking forgiveness.

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5. Does a Law on Human Attraction Exist?

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 31st, 2010 at 11:28 am and is filed under Business and Commerce. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.